Dear Body,

What the FUCK did I eat that made you angry???? Whatever upset you did not do so within your usual time period, so not I'm not sure what I ate. Please be more consistent with your symptoms. I thought we had gotten past this. There's no need to break your precedent.

Love,
Caroline

P.S. If it was the lentils, you will fucking pay.

Thus began the period of the spring in which Caroline checked her transcript the maximum allowed three times per day, at carefully timed intervals.